


Love Is my Religion

by Scababagorn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depressed Dean, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-11-02 22:44:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scababagorn/pseuds/Scababagorn
Summary: Love is my Religion.I could die for that.I could die for you.John KeatsIt had always been black and white for Dean. Save people. Hunt things. Family. And then there had been an angel in a trench coat, and suddenly, things weren't so simple any more





	1. Chapter 1

Dean took a long drink of neat whiskey before turning to face the man who had tapped his shoulder. He knew he shouldn't have called the man a pussy, but if he was going to be a pussy about losing a game of pool, then a pussy he shall be called. 

Dean turned slowly on his stool, grinning up at the man and struggling to focus on his rather irritated face. The man grabbed Dean's collar and lifted his with surprising ease from the stool.

"You seem a little pissed" Dean commented as he felt his feet dangle against the sticky bar floor.

"I hate Winchesters," He snarled, before flicking out a sharp long tongue and letting it slither across Dean's cheek "Always wondered what you would taste like" 

"You're opinion?" Dean asked, trying to lean his head away from the flicking tongue. What the hell kind of demon had a tongue like that?

"You taste of alcoholism, self loathing and fast food"

"Hit the nail on the head there," Dean muttered "Now, this may be because of the beer and the whiskey, but I ain't sure what little hell demon you are, so wanna gimme a hint?"

"No" The demon replied, before throwing Dean across the room and against the wall opposite. Dean felt his rib crack and winced as he raised himself slowly from the floor.

"What is it with you guys and the throwing?" He wheezed, as the creature advanced on him "What's wrong with a good ol' fashioned punch?"

"Nothing at all" It replied, hitting Dean across the jaw with a fist that felt like a sledge hammer "You Winchesters. You hunt our kind down and you kill us. How are you better? How can you claim to be just when your justice is simply and eye for an eye!?"

The demon hit him again. And again. And again. And sudden Dean suddenly realised that maybe there wasn't an easy way out of this one. He felt another rib snap. Felt his nose shatter. The demon kicked him in the stomach and all of the air left his body. He felt as the demon pulled his gun free from his waistband. heard the demon cock it.

So this was how it ended. Not a blaze of glory. Not in the middle of the fight of his life. No, Dean Winchester, beaten and shot on a sticky bar room floor which stank of stale beer and piss, by some low rent demon. It suited him at least. He would never admit it to Sam, but he was tired. He was tired of the constant uphill battle and the fighting and the loneliness and the fucking self-hatred and all of it. So yea. This suited him fine. He felt the barrel of the gun press to his head. Castiel. It was a fleeting thought. A simple goodbye. A remorseful nod to what could have been. He heard the flutter of wings, a yell and the hiss of the demon's soul escaping. The arms which cradled him and lifted him were gentle but strong, the smell familiar.

"Hey Cas" He mumbled through swollen lips,

"Dean," Castiel replied "I'm going to take you home"

"No," Dean replied "Take me somewhere else. Not the bunker"

"Dean"

"Cas, I didn't ask you to come"

"You prayed to me"

"To say goodbye, not to save me" Dean replied "Not the bunker Cas"

There was the strange fluttering sound. The sensation of fast movement and overwhelming nausea and then the sudden and abrupt stillness. Castle placed Dean gently on the motel room bed. Dean groaned.

"I will heal you" Castiel said his finger raised to place on Dean's forehead.

"No!" Dean shouted before coughing violently and gripping at his painful ribs "No Cas, you aren't strong enough"

"But you are in pain. You are injured. Your ribs alone are-"

"And I'll heal Cas," Dean replied "Just, call Sam, tell him I'm fine and we're on a case or something and then you can leave me here for a few days to let my bones knit"

"I won't leave you Dean"

"Well that's a first," He muttered, before carefully rolling on to his side and closing his eyes "I'm gonna try and sleep through the worst of it. Just tell Sam I'm ok"

"Ok" Castiel replied.

The next few days blurred together. Cas kept Dean fed and pain free and - begrudgingly - in beer as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Dean felt the dark thoughts crawling in his skull, but he drowned them as best he could. Once, he had waited for Cas to leave before staring down the barrel of his own gun for a few minutes. Just to see how it felt. It felt ok, Dean thought.

Sleep had begun to elude him and that left him with dark thoughts in the pitch black. He had drunk all of the beer and all of the whiskey he could and then thrown it up, and the thoughts had been there, back in that room waiting for him. He had stopped eating. He had stopped...feeling. It had been strange. His emotions became simple. Numbness or whole consuming sadness.

"Dean?" Cas had touched him arm "I know you aren't asleep"

"Now how do you know that Cas?" He asked, his back still towards the Angel as he led on the cheap sheets.

"Because you haven't slept in days Dean," Cas replied "You aren't eating. I know you...considered...killing yourself"

"Reading my mind again?"

"I was worried," Cas replied "I am worried Dean, I care for you very much and I don't believe that it is any longer safe to leave you on your own"

Dean breathed for a moment, lying on the bed and staring up at the stained ceiling. So it wasn't numbness right now. Ok, whole consuming sadness then. A tear rolled from his eye and his vision blurred.

"I just," Dean took a deep breath and scrubbed his face with his hands. The words were there, in a jumble inside his mind. Frustrated, he hit his temple with the butt of his palm. The pain felt better than the sadness, so he did it again. Case grasped his wrist before he could do it again.

"I just," Dean repeated, staring into those beautiful blue eyes "Don't want to...struggle anymore. I am so utterly...I...There is so much hurt in my chest that it feels like...I can't feel like this anymore..." Dean's face was wet with tears and his throat painfully tight as he began to sob.

Cas pulled him up towards his chest, wrapping his arms around him as Dean cried. Dean raised his arms, wrapping them around his friend and gripping tight to his trench coat.

"It hurts so bad," Dean muttered through the tears "I hurt so much, I can't do this anymore. I can't Cas, I can't!"

"I know," Castiel replied, stroking Dean's hear "I know Dean, I know, but there are people who love you, please, you have to live for them. You have to live for me"

Dean continued to cry, pulling Cas close to him.

"Sam loves you Dean," Cas said into the man's dark blonde hair "Sam loves you and I love you and we can't live without you. You do so much for other people, I know that, everything you do is for other people and I know you're sick of it, but just for now, please live for us. I cannot live without you"

Cas sat for the time that Dean cried, letting the man sob out years of anger and guilt and self loathing and sorrow until he eventually, out of exhaustion, closed his eyes. Cas cradled him gently and in the blink of an eye and the flutter of wings, returned him to his room in the bunker.


	2. Chapter 2

"CAS!!" Castiel felt each impact of Dean body against the door. He had sat at the foot of it, his back turned to it "I told you! I asked you to not bring me here!! God damn it Cas! I asked you!"

Castiel shut his eyes. He could hear the betrayal in Dean's voice. He had told Sam everything. He had never fully understood human emotion and didn't know how to handle a situation when someone he loved so dearly had considered, numerous times, ending his life. 

To throw something so important away confused Cas to the point where - when he had spoken to Sam - he had blurted out everything Dean had been thinking to which he had been ashamedly listening. 

Sam had taken all of the knifes and the pills and the alcohol and everything else out of Dean's room and Cas had brought him back home.

"How could you!" He yelled and Cas winced at the break in his voice "How, how...how could you? You're my friend. I trusted you"

The silence was sudden and Castiel and Sam made eye contact, the sudden overwhelming panic present in both their stares. In a breath, Castiel had passed into Dean's room, the swirl of wind fluttering papers as he appeared before the crumpled figure. Dean looked up at him, his eyes wet and red, his face a broken mess of betrayal and sadness.

"You're my friend," He whimpered "I didn't want Sam to see me like this. I'm supposed. I'm supposed to be his big brother. I didn't want. You're supposed to me my friend"

"He cares about you Dean, he wants to help," Castiel crouched in front of the man "I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose you and I didn't know what to say, so I...I'm sorry Dean"

"I don't want to be here"

"I will take you back to the Motel, I'm sorry I shouldn't have-"

"No Cas," Dean interrupted "Here. On this planet. Living and breathing. I have...Nothing. I have my brother and you, but I don't have a partner. I don't have kids. I am so...I am so fucking lonely" He took a shaky breath "I am so, so lonely" He repeated.

"I'm here" Cas said softly, moving closer.

"Ain't what I mean bud," Dean offered "But thanks"

"I'm here in that capacity too"

"You lost me Cas" Castiel moved closer to Dean. His body screamed at him to back away, to keep the distance between them. To maintain this protective separation they had created. 

He leaned closer and very softly, kissed Dean's lips. It was simple and chaste, but when Cas pulled away, the look of surprise and disbelief on Dean's face would have been comical, had it not been for the heaviness in the air between them.

"I'm sorry," Cas said, looking down at his hands "I hope that was ok"

"Yea," Dean replied "It was, yea, that was ok"

"Sam suggested we look into getting you some professional help" Cas offered, feeling his very human face blush.

"I, yea, if that's what Sam thinks then that's ok" Dean appeared dazed as he stared at his best friend. 

"I think that I should stay here in the meantime"

"I," Dean cleared his throat "I would be ok with that"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like Chapter Three! I'll be working on another piece for a while, so Chapter Four may take a while to come. Thank you for all of the Kudos and all comments are greatly appreciated! Watch this space!

Dean stared into the mirror in the bathroom. He disliked the man who stared back. When the shrink had asked him how long he had been having suicidal thoughts, he had been surprised to realise that they had begun in his early twenties. That they had been getting progressively worse since then. 

Over ten years of thinking about killing himself. Sam had cleared out all of the booze from the bunker and had locked all of the weaponry away. The Doc had said that he could stay with Sam and Cas, even if it was against his recommendation to be hospitalised, on account of the commitment to Dean’s care that Sam had expressed to the Doctor.

It hurt to see Sam feeling the emotions he was feeling. It reminded Dean of little five year old Sam, looking hurt and lost and this time, this time Dean got to be the direct cause.

Cas was in Dean’s bedroom, but he knew the angel was keeping an eye on him by listening to his thoughts. Dean didn’t mind, that was until he thought about that kiss, which he found himself doing every other minute of every day.

He sighed, splashed his face with cold water and took his happy pills, day dreaming about scotch and beer. 

“There isn’t any alcohol in the bunker” Cas said as Dean walked through the bedroom door.

“I know,” He replied, kicking off his boots and dropping his jeans to the floor “Doesn’t mean I can’t think about it does it?”

He threw back the covers of his bed and clambered in. He flicked off the bedside lamp and plunged them into darkness.

“How’re you feeling Dean”

“Tired”

“I meant-”

“I know what you meant Cas,” Dean took a breath “The same”

“Is there anything that I can do Dean?”

“No Cas, look,” Dean rolled to face in the general direction of his friend “I’m not going to be better for a while. You are doing what you can and that is enough. None of this is your fault and I’m grateful that you’re willing to wait this out with me. But You also gotta know that I’m thinkin’ it might not get better”

There was a silence then and Dean felt his eyes become accustomed to the gloom. He felt the weight of someone sitting on his bed and then a gentle hand on his arm.

“It will get better,” Cas said softly “It has to get better”

“Why?” Dean asked,

“Because it has to. Because I want you to get better”

“Why?” Dean asked again, feeling comforted by the heat of the angel's hand.

“Because…” Cas sighed “Because I have, over our years together developed feelings for you”

“Feelings?”

“Please Dean, do not play stupid. I can read your thoughts. I did not for many years to protect your privacy, but recently it has been necessary and I find that…I find that you also have feelings for me too”

Dean could hear the beat of his own heartbeat.

“God I’m so fucked up huh?” Dean asked “Not only all this crap, but I got a hard on for my best friend too, who, by the way, is an angel” Dean snorted.

“Make room for me” Cas said and Dean shuffled back on the small bed.

The weight of the other man left the bed. He heard the rustling of clothes, the sound of two suit shoes hitting the floor and felt Cas return. He felt the cool on his skin as Castiel lifted the covers and climbed in beside Dean. He was still wearing his suit.

Dean could feel a hammering in his chest, accompanied by a nervousness and some other feeling he couldn’t quite place.

“You are not ‘fucked up’” Cas said, the words sounding foreign in his voice “Because I too have feelings for you. Dean”

Dean felt a strong hand touch his jaw.

“May I kiss you?”

“Yes” Dean replied. 

The contact was delicate, barely a whisper of a kiss, but the warmth behind it seemed to flow into Dean. He reached for the angel’s cheek, feeling the rough stubble there. Castle’s lips tasted sweet, a flavour which he couldn’t quite place, and the gentle movement of the other man’s mouth against his sent a flare of heat through him.

He pulled away and sought Castiel’s eye contact in the darkness.

“Cas?” He said, unsure of the question he was asking.

“Yes Dean?” Can breathed, his demeanour softer, his breath heavy.

“Do you, is this something…I mean you’re an angel, do you feel…?” 

“I am attracted to you Dean, I enjoy kissing you. I do not understand these emotions, but I know they are there”

“You aren’t…” Dean sighed, upset my his own doubt “You aren’t doing this just because you know I want it?”

“I promise,” Castiel whispered, placing another kiss on Dean’s lips “I will be here for you, in whatever capacity you require, but know that your feelings are requited”

Dean tried to ignore the lump in his throat. He coughed roughly.

“I think…I think I would like to sleep, but I would like it if you stayed here,” Dean wrapped his arms around the other man “Right here”


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel opened his eyes. He didn’t sleep, but he did rest his human body whenever he remembered to. He looked down at the man laying beside him. 

Simply a man, but so much more. More kind than any human. More powerful that any demon. More selfless that any angel in heaven. Dean had taught Castiel what it was to be good. Not righteous, but good. Someone for whom rebellion held its worth.

And now. Now, this person who had saved so many lives, including Castiel’s, had lost interest in his own. To see the pain of it on Dean’s face and hear it in his thoughts tore at Castiel more than he had expected. 

He knew that he loved Dean. Knew that it was more than the sibling love which he felt for his brothers and sisters. Knew that Dean wanted him, and to be wanted, to see those thoughts in Deans mind had lit something inside of Castiel that he did not know existed. 

He ran a hand through Dean’s soft hair and felt a rush of heat as Dean moved closer towards him. He repeated the action and Dean’s arm rapped around him. Castiel slid his hand down the length of Dean’s body and cupped him through his jeans.

Dean’s eyes shot open and his mouth opened slightly. The heat in Castiel’s body stirred.

“Cas, what’re you doing?”

“Let me give you some sexual gratification Dean”

“There are so many ways that you could have said that”

“I’m sorry, I’m, I’m not very good at this,” Castiel blushed “I want to make you feel good and I know that I can do that. I think that I would enjoy it too”

“That,” Dean breathed, as he moved on top of the Angel “That is how you say that”

Dean kissed Castiel’s neck and Cas was surprised when a groan escaped him. Dean pressed himself against Castiel and felt the hardness in the angel’s trousers. Castiel grabbed at his tie and pulled it loose, before ripping his own shirt open to the sound of scattering buttons. 

He was unsure why, but he needed to feel Dean’s hands against bare flesh. Dean appeared to understand and untucked Castiel’s shirt before ripping it open entirely and removing his own t shirt. 

Dean pressed their bodies together again and another groan of enjoyment escaped the angel. 

Castiel breathed in deeply and held Dean’s gaze. He let his hands trail over Dean’s torso, feeling the ridges and bumps of scars and the thundering of the other man’s heartbeat.

“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” Castiel breathed. The look of surprise that appeared on his face had not removed from the glow of lust in his eyes. “You have suffered so much and yet, you are still so beautiful”

“Don’t” Dean whispered.

“Don’t what?” 

“I am not beautiful”

“I believe that you are”

“Please don’t,” Castiel halted his speech and watched the other man carefully, his brow furrowing. Dean sighed “I am not, I am not beautiful. I am not a good person. I am a, I am a weapon”

“You are so good” Castiel said softly as Dean closed his eyes and sat back on his knees, continuing to straddle the angel “It does not matter what you think Dean. You are good”

Castiel reached for Dean’s hands. 

“You are good and you are beautiful, please,” Castiel pulled softly on Dean’s hands “Please don’t stop kissing me”

Dean smiled sadly and leant forward to press a soft kiss to Castiel’s lips. 

“I’m going to go and get a drink” He said, before climbing from Castiel’s lap and leaving him lying on the bed in a state of confusion and without another word.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel had waited for Dean to return, but had eventually allowed his vessel to rest, closing his eyes and breathing in the scent of Dean surrounding him.

When he had left Dean’s room the next morning bare-footed and tieless, he had run in to Sam, who had given him a strange look, for which Castiel could not quite place an emotion and they had both moved silently to into kitchen.

Dean’s bloodshot eyes had darted to them as they entered and he drained the final drop of whiskey from the bottle in front of him. To Sam’s surprise, he smiled and lit a cigarette.

“Dean, what the hell are you doing?” He asked in a dismayed voice as the buttery scent of cigarette smoke wafted over them.

“Enjoying the buzz from this whiskey and this cigarette and waiting for Cas to leave my bedroom so I can catch me some sleep” He slurred in response.

“You’re not supposed to be drinking,” Sam replied “Why are you smoking? And Cas is looking out for you Dean, you know that”

“Babysitting me,” Dean replied, dragging on the cigarette “Cas is babysitting me”

“Making sure you don’t…” The yell died on Sam’s lips and Dean stood abruptly.

“Say it Sam,” He snarled “Making sure I don’t what? Blow my brains out? Overdose? Hang myself? Just say it Sam! He’s making sure I don’t kill myself. Making sure I don’t do the one thing I want to do! Only thing I would do that would be entirely my decision!”

Dean grabbed the bottle and threw it at the wall.

“God damn it Sammy!,” He shouted, his voice strong despite the tears rolling down his cheeks, 

“Been doin’ what Dad told me or because it is the right thing to do my whole God damned life! Hunted because Dad told me to! Carried on hunting because it’s what he would have wanted! I was more of a Dad than he ever was! You know, I told him about me?! Told him that I…” Dean’s eyes flickered to Castiel and back to Sam,

“That I didn’t have feelings for women, that I liked men,” Cas recognised the shame in Dean’s face “He beat me until all of me was blue and told me that he wouldn’t put up with a…Wouldn’t put up with a gay son”

“Dean I didn’t…I didn’t know” Sam muttered. The silence fell heavily between them.

“Doesn’t matter” Dean replied softly, sitting back in his seat “I’m thirty-seven and Dad’s been dead for years and I’m still too afraid…to disappoint him”

“Disappoint him? How could you ever disappoint him”

“Wouldn’t put up with a gay son Sammy”

“Fuck him Dean!” Sam shouted “Would it make you happy?” 

Dean held Sam’s gaze. 

“I don’t know…I think,” Dean glanced at Castiel, his shirt crumpled and his feet bare “I think it would”

“Then try,” Sam replied “I want you try. If finding a guy…”

“Sammy” Dean muttered, blushing crimson,

“If finding a guy would make you happy, I want you to do it. I want you to try. For me,” Sam said as tears brimmed in his eyes “Just try and then…If…if you still want to…To end it…Then I won’t stop you”

“Sammy” Dean whispered as his voice cracked.

“Try”

***

Castiel took a deep breath. 

He had followed Sam to his room, had comforted him and then had asked to borrow a shirt and a jacket. He had found a pair of Dean’s jeans and he had showered. He changed and looked…presentable. He had found a bottle of cologne hidden at the back of one of the cupboards in the kitchen, what looked like a remnant from previous occupants of the bunker.

He had brushed his hair and he took another deep breath before knocking on Dean’s door.

“Yea?” 

“Dean, it’s Cas”

“Yea, come in man”

“Dean, I would like you to answer the door”

Dean’s brow furrowed. He stood from his bed and wiped his eyes and nose roughly on his sleeve. He advanced on the door and pulled it open. 

And found himself speechless.

The angel stood before him and looked. Well, looked incredible. Smelt incredible too. He looked so uncertain that Dean had to fight the urge to kiss him then and there.

“Hi” Dean breathed,

“Hello Dean,” Castiel replied “I would like to invite you to accompany me to dinner”

“Huh?”

“I am asking you out on a date. I would like you to accompany me to dinner. I have made a reservation”

“You’ve…”

“Made a reservation”

"You're asking me out on a date" Dean repeated,

"Yes Dean," Castiel replied "And we only have an hour or so to get to the restaurant. How long do you require to ready yourself"

"I, um, I need ten minutes?"

"I'll wait in the kitchen then" Castiel replied, before turning on his heel and walking away. 

Dean leant out of his bedroom door and watched him leave, admiring the scent of cologne that was left behind.

He felt a flutter of nerves and excitement in his stomach as he readied himself and blushing, borrowed a jacket from Sam, who smiled at him widely.

Dean took a deep breath before entering the kitchen. Castiel was stood waiting patiently and Dean found himself struck for words once again at how handsome he appeared.

"Hi" Dean said softly,

"Hello Dean, you look very attractive" Dean smiled,

"Thank you," He replied 

"Are you ready to go?" 

"I think so" 

 

***

They drove in silence, which suited Dean. He felt the nervousness in his stomach and a level of fear that normally only occurred when he felt on the back foot during a hunt.

When they arrived at the restaurant, Castiel had taken Deans hand in his. Dean had felt a sudden rush of excitement at the simple gesture, and had felt angry when he realised shame accompanied the feeling. Castiel did not release Dean's hand when they entered the restaurant, or when he informed the waitress of his booking. He didn't release his hand when they moved through the crowded room, despite the glances that they received. He only released it to pull out Dean's chair.

Dean sat and could feel the heat in his cheeks.

"Are you ok Dean?" Castiel asked and the waitress took their drinks orders and handed them menus.

"Just never done anything like that before"

"Like what?" 

"Held a guys hand walking' though the middle of a restaurant. Gone on a date, especially not a date with a guy" Castiel tilted his head.

"Is it a problem?," Castiel asked "You are uncomfortable?"

"A little yea"

"Why?," Castiel asked "I believed that homosexuality is accepted"

"It is," Dean replied quietly "But a lot of people still have a problem with it"

"Why?" Castiel replied "Why do humans care who other people are in love with?"

"Its a good question Cas," Dean replied as the waitress set their drinks in front of them "My Dad hated it. Hated me when I told him"

"I don't understand why it matters. Did he not care if you were happy?"

"When it came to that?" Dean said, smiling sadly "No"

"I'm sorry Dean," Castiel said, reaching a hand across the table and taking Dean's hand once more "I'm sorry that you missed so much just to keep your father happy at the expense of your own happiness"

"Its ok" Dean replied, squeezing Castiel's hand tentatively,

"No Dean, it isn't," Castiel answered "But I'm glad to be the man who gets to take you on your first date"

Dean smiled and sipped soda. Cas sipped his water.

"You don't eat," Dean said "I forgot. You've brought me on a date and you don't eat"

"I enjoy watching you eat," Castiel replied "The enjoyment which you get from food gives me enjoyment"

Dean laughed and sipped his soda again.

"I find you very attractive" Castiel said. Dean spluttered soda and wiped at his chin and the table.

"Was that not correct? I, I like to look at you and I like who you are and I therefore find you very attractive"

"Thank you Cas," Dean muttered, feeling his cheek heat even more "I, I find you very attractive too"

"I'm glad," Cas replied "I would like to sit closer to you. I've seen on television that it is common practice to hold the thigh under the table of the person whom you are dating. May I do that?"

Dean nodded imperceptibly, his throat growing dry as he swallowed. Can pulled his chair around to sit beside the other man and placed a hand on his thigh. It felt like electricity where his hand touched. Dean placed his own hand on top of Cas's and felt happiness spreading through him. He chose to ignore the surprised glances he received from some of the other diners.

"You smell good" Dean said, turning his hand to speak into Cas's ear.

"Thank you. I found cologne in the bunker," Dean hummed in approval. "So do you Dean"

They sat in compatible silence as Dean browsed the menu and finally ordered a steak. He ate it with Cas's hand still resting on his leg and felt Cas's appreciative gaze on him as he sighed and groaned in enjoyment.

He felt a warm glow of happiness and when he had finished eating he wrapped a long arm over Cas's shoulders.

"Why didn't we get together before?" Dean asked,

"I don't believe that we were ready"

"And now?"

"I want to be with you Dean," Cas replied "You are the most remarkable man. The most remarkable man I have ever met and I want to be the person who makes you happy"

Dean felt lost for words again, and without hesitation he leant into Cas and kissed his lips softly.

"Thank you" he muttered against his lips.

***

When they returned to the bunker, Cas walked Dean to his bedroom door. Dean turned to look at Castiel,

"Do you want to sleep with me?," Dean asked before blushing "I mean, I mean actually sleep"

"Yes" Castiel replied.

They walked into Dean's bedroom silently, both undressing on either side of Dean's narrow bed. Dean's eyes raked over Castiel's bare chest as he removed his shirt and folded it carefully. Dean slipped off his boxers and climbed into the bed quickly, resting his head on his arm and watching Cas remove the last items of clothing. He felt a rush of heat to his groin as Castiel removed his own boxers and climbed into bed with Dean. He tentatively rested his head on Dean's shoulder and Dean pulled him close. 

He reached for the lamp and turned it off.

Dean placed a soft kiss into Cas's hair.

"Goodnight Cas"

"Goodnight Dean"


	6. Chapter 6

It went like that for a while. Castiel would turn up in a crisp shirt and fitted jacket and smelling heavenly and would ask Dean out for dinner. They both bought new shirts and jackets and aftershave unbeknownst to the other and had both laughed in surprise, whilst sharing a lustful look at one another.

Castiel would take Dean to all kinds of restaurants and would insist on holding his hand and pulling out his chair. He would always pull his own chair closer and place his hand on Dean's thigh.

The one instance where a man had objected, informing them that it was against God, Castiel had informed him that God was, in fact, interested in both of the sexes and that he would be happy to speak with God and ask him to visit, should the man require. Dean had howled with laughter at the man's expression, and had also informed the man that if he had a problem, he would oblige him in stepping outside to show him what a faggot could do.

They were silent as they drove home, hands clasped at the centre of the bench seat of Dean's Impala. Dean smiled at the manner in which Cas's thumb absentmindedly caressed his.

"You shouldn't call yourself that" Cas said suddenly,

"Call myself what?"

"A faggot," Cas replied "From what I understand, that is an offensive term"

"It is Cas, but I was just making a point to the guy"

"You should not criticise yourself Dean"

"I wasn't"

"Weren't you?," Cas asked "Say something good about yourself"

"I'm real good at killing Demons"

"Something that doesn't have to be with being a hunter, something about the person you are"

Dean was silent for a long moment.

"I can," Cas said softly "I find it very easy to say good things about you. You are loyal and kind and gentle. You make people feel safe and cared for. You are understanding and selfless and brave. You are a good man"

"Cas"

"I'm not finished," Cas said "You are the most imperfect perfect man I have ever had the chance to know in my hundreds of years of existence. And you are extremely handsome and you smell outstanding"

Dean laughed and felt a rush of adoration for the other man. He fought back the tears he could feel welling in his eyes.

"Did you believe me? Did you believe any of what I just said?"

Without letting his eyes leave the road, Dean shook his head and cursed the tear that trailed his cheek.

"Pull the car over Dean"

Dean's brow furrowed, but he did as Cas asked. As he pulled the car to a stop, Cas slipped his jacket own jacket from his shoulders and unbuttoned his shirt. He crawled towards Dean across the bench seat and pulled Dean's own jacket off of him.

"Cas" Dean said softly.

"I want to show you what you mean to me" Cas said simply and he pressed their lips together. Dean felt a rush of heat to his groin as his hands touched Castiel's bare chest. He felt Cas's hands unbuttoning his top and their their bare chests were pressed together, their bodies flush. 

Dean could feel Cas's own burgeoning erection against his and groaned.

Can continued to kiss him. Long, heated kisses that make Dean squirm. And his tongue. Suddenly, Cas slipped his tongue into Dean's mouth and another stronger rush of need shot through Dean's body. He tasted of sugar.

Cas's nimble hands quickly unbuttoned Dean's jeans and before Dean could stop him, his hand slid into them and cupped him.

"Cas, Cas stop" Dean said suddenly, stilling Castiel's hand. Cas's brow furrowed.

"Why?," Can asked in an breathy, almost whine "I want you, very much. And I can tell that you want me"

"Not on the side of the road in my God damned Impala"

"Why not? As I understand to do this is very erotic"

"I don't want erotic with you Cas"

"Have I misread..."

"No, Cas. Look. I want you, yes. I want you every which way, eight ways to Sunday. But, you aren't just...You're not just some...fuck. OK? I want this to...to matter"

"It does matter," Cas said, his confusion evident "We know how we feel about each other. Why does where we have sexual intercourse effect that?"

"It just does. It's a human thing," Dean smiled at Cas and gently pulled his hand from his jeans before cupping it in both his palms and placing a soft kiss on it.

"Let's go back to the bunker and I'll show you what I mean"


	7. Chapter 7

Dean had felt nervous as they entered the bunker. He had acknowledged Sam, choosing to ignore his knowing grin and had directed Castiel to his room. He hands had been shaking as he turned on his bedside light and slipped his jacket off of his shoulders.

"Come 'ere" He had said softly to Castiel. The angel obliged and moved towards him, taking Dean's outstretched hands.

Dean - with a confidence he did not feel - had placed a solid, lingering kiss on the other man's lips, before wrapping his arms around his waist and manoeuvring him to the bed.

Dean had begun to unbutton Cas's shirt, kissing softly at his chin and neck and collar bone as the other man reacted to his touch. Dean rushed out of his own shirt in a moment and returned to caressing Castiel's body. 

"You're so God damned beautiful" Dean whispered, as his hands roamed the angel's vessel. He felt Cas's hands do the same and the excitement rushed through his body like a tidal wave.

Castiel took Dean's face in his hands and kissed his soft lips, delving his tongue into Dean's mouth and groaning with the sensation. Castle's hips began to move against Dean's and Dean returned the angel's growl.

Cases hands snaked down to Dean's belt and began to undo it.

"Is this ok?," Cas asked, his hands stilling for a moment "You seem nervous"

"I am nervous," Dean laughed "I've been thinking about this for years"

"It's what you want?" Cas asked,

"Oh God yea" Dean replied, raising himself to his knees to watch Castiel undo his jeans. He motioned for Cas to take his shirt off, and he did so, holding Dean's gaze.

In another moment, Castiel slipped his hand into Dean's boxer shorts, watching in fascination as Dean's eyes fluttered shut as his hand cupped him. 

Castiel began to massage him and was treated with a low guttural moan of pleasure. Dean's hand rested on Cas's chest and stroked the darker skin around his nipples as Dean rocked into Cas's hand.

Dean gently pulled Cas's hand from his shorts and stood, removing the rest of his clothes. He quickly undid Cas's trousers and pulled them down, kissing at Castiel's hip. 

Cas was completely hard and his eyes blown with lust as he watched Dean place gentle kisses on his hips and thighs.

"Dean, you don't have..."

"I want you to enjoy this as much as I am" Dean replied before taking Cas into his mouth. Can sighed and his head dropped back into the pillow as his hands slipped into Dean's hair.

"That feels incredible," Castiel breathed as Dean's mouth slid up and down his length "That feels so good Dean. You make me feel so good. Dean I want, oh, Dean, I want"

Dean pulled away for a moment. 

"What do you want Cas" He asked, feeling his own erection touch his stomach and an ache of need.

"I want to feel you inside me" Cas replied.

Dean stopped feeling his stomach drop suddenly.

"Are you reading my mind?" Dean asked. Can glanced at him, his brow furrowing.

"I wanted to make sure I did the right things to please you" Cas replied,

"Do you want this?" Dean asked, angry at himself for being afraid of the answer,

"Of course Dean"

"Then tell me what you want. Not what you think I want you to want" Dean said,

"Can't they be the same thing?," Can asked "Can't I want to feel you in the way you want to feel me?"

"Damn it Cas" Dean said softly before standing and sitting on the edge of the bed. Neither man spoke for a moment, there breaths still coming in gasps.

"I," Cas said softly "I don't know how to tell you what I want. I haven't...I don't...know and I don't understand how to tell you what I want. I'm new to this and I...I didn't want to disappoint you. All I know is that I want to feel you pressed against my skin and I want to feel physically as close to you as we are mentally. Please Dean, I want you to show me what to do"

Cas's hand on Dean's back was warm. He felt a second hand slip around his waist and then the press of Castiel's naked body on his back. The angel began to kiss his neck, and ear and his hands wandered to Dean's cock. Dean felt his excitement began to build again.

"Ok" he said softly, taking Cas's hand and kissing it lightly before digging in his bedside table. He pulled a bottle of lube free and turned to Cas,

"Open your legs," He said softly. Can did so, and to Dean's surprise took his own cock in his hand, stroking it gently "Thats...wow, thats beautiful to watch" Dean breathed.

He squeezed lube into his hand and gently caressed Cas's ass before slipping his fingers inside. Cas groaned and Dean felt his cock jump.

"I want you know Dean" Cas said firmly.

Dean nodded, and slid his fingers free before lining up with Cas's entrance. He pressed inside, feeling the grip of Cas all around him and moaned softly. Can groaned and gripped on to Dean's shoulders as he gently worked himself into Cas.

"Please Dean," Cas breathed into Dean's ear "Please don't stop moving"

Dean began a slow, lazy rhythm, placing kisses on Cas's legs and hands as he watched Cas's face. He had never seen such pleasure dance over though beautiful features, and he couldn't help but be fascinated.

The angel's cheeks were flushed and his mouth gently parted as Dean thrust into him. Dean could feel his pleasure building low in his stomach and took Castiel's cock in his hand, pumping it quickly. Can made a noise of surprise and then his breaths became ragged. Watching Cas come on his own and Dean's stomach was enough to push Dean over the edge.

He called Cas's name as he came into him, his eyes fluttering shut and his mind a sudden shock of euphoria. He dropped his head to Cas's shoulder as he came down, feeling Cas's own rapid breathing and the heat from his body.

"That," said Cas, as his hands ran through Dean's hair "Felt incredible"

"Yes it did" Dean replied.

"Can we do it again?"

"Gonna need a minute Cas" Dean said laughing softly.

"Thank you" Cas said. Dean pulled his face back to smile at Cas.

"You too Wings" he replied.


End file.
